Shen's Scribbles and Thoughts

Pursuing Your Happyness

How easy it is to pursue what makes you happy? Have you tried to really find the true thing that makes you happy or have you already found it?

I thought that happyness comes in full but it seems that happyness comes in bits and pieces. You can be happy and contented with your chosen path and career but you may not be happy with your love life or you may be happy with your love life but not with your chosen path and career... or you may be that rare person who is happy with both.

I remember watching the movie Pursuit of Happyness and whenever I go back to it I am reminded of how hard life really is. People keep on searching for their happyness in many places and still they are unable to find it. For many years I though that I was indeed happy and contented but it seems I am not fully happy. There are many things that bothers me everyday though my personality keeps me on going to face these challenges in life.

My kids are now under my full jurisdiction and I have to send them to school and provide their basic needs while my ex-wife have to tender with her new husband and 3 kids with him. I always thought that things would work out fine but it is harder than that. I cannot even be with all of my kids because of many restrictions. I want to give a bright future to my three children... John Dwight, Helen Cleodara and David Jr. Their future and happyness is of prime importance to me.

I find it also very difficult and weird on finding contentment in love. I do not know but it seems that I am in search for a person that will really love me for who I am and accept me fully including all that I cared for and all that I love to do. The fact that I am also bisexual adds up to that complexity. Though I no longer blame my past for what I am now and how I feel about love, sex and stuff sometimes I also wish that it could have been simpler.

Forty-five relationships and experiences since high school was not easy. It was full of complexities, heartaches and sometimes pain that was so hard to endure. Men and women were very different in many ways and that makes there experiences both meaningful, complicated and the level of pain very different.

In this days of my life I have various responsibilities and BROOD or Brotherhood of Destiny was one of them. It was the main purpose that keeps me going in life. This organization changed me a lot and creates a sense of accomplishment and a family which I have longed for many years.

Staying focused in life is again another struggle and responsibility which I should maintain. I admit that I have many discontentments and I wish that all would fall in the right place and that people who they say they loved me will just love me for what I am so that finally I can be happy and achieve the happyness that I have been pursuing for so long.

To all those who would read this post there is one thing I would like you to remember... "No matter what happens and no matter what hardship you are facing always remain strong and steadfast for all things will come to pass."

Love, Pain and Anger

How would you feel if you love a person so much and then all of a sudden he or she will tell you upfront that it is all over, that he/she is already suffocated and tired of your relationship?  How would you feel after all the hardships and sacrifices that you have given all of these will be told to you on an emotionless way?

The love that you felt before will turn into pain and for some it might be an endless pain and for many it would then be after all the pain turn into an emotion of anger and hatred.

Love is a great feeling and it makes you feel secure and important but most of the time when love ends it hurts so much that you wish to die and hope that all that is happening is just a bad dream.

Most of the time as well, along life's journey we tend to love not only one person but multiple persons.  We will stay with one and settle with that person but in order to preserve that relationship and satisfy some of our longings we might end up in somebody's arms and loving that person as well.  In the end we will realize that the person who really loves us is the person that we neglected and tend to hurt the most.

Love is a complex feeling.  It is not easy to decipher and loving someone means life and death, happiness or pain.  Whatever path we take in love we will surely experience both sides of the love equation.

How would you feel if you already feel that your personality and dignity is already being trampled upon?  If someones sanity will be tested I think this is the time that you will be thinking what have you done that is so wrong and made all of the love blunders you are experiencing and turn it into your worst nightmare.

I had been in love... not once... not twice.. but many times.  And I had been hurt a number of times as well.  I had trusted and loved people so much but those that I loves truly sometimes are the once who will hurt me the most and in the end leave me.

A treasure once but in the end thrown like a trash and no longer glanced or looked back at.

But in the ultimate end the good thing is that we have love and if someone breaks our heart always remember that it is not our loss but it is the loss of the person breaking us... we will still be alive tomorrow... to love and try again.

I Am Hurt and Tired

I can say that I am fulfilled in my life and I take each day one at a time but what if those people around you keep on pushing you and make you feel that you are just a very bad and inept person?  Each day I am like in a battlefield.. a battle with relationships which I am not so good at.

I remember when Michael Flores and I when we talked about my problems, he simply asked me about what do I really like to do in life.  And I told him that it is to make a difference and then he said that one of the things that I should consider is if relationships are helping me achieve this or not.

When you are in a relationship you have to consider many things.  You always have to consider the feeling of the other person.  It was funny though that most of the time people will hurt you where in the return you cannot even hurt them.  In my case I may have done actions that can be considered as unfaithfulness but maybe this is due to the fact that I am not contented with relationships... I am weak when it comes to this.  I want to do many things that most of the time people cannot understand.

Since my childhood I was hurt and as my life passes by I am continuously being hurt.  Did I made I U-Turn in my life?  Yes, I did several times.  I have surpassed my temperamental attitude to a great extent.  I had been more friendly and less shy.  I have learned not to be "ningas kugon".  I have learned to take it easy and take one day at a time... I learn to love myself more or so I though that is what I think I believe.

Being the main figure of BROOD is also hard for me.  I do not have to falter... I have to be strong and continue what the organization had started.  Despite bombardments of many problems I have to remain strong.  But what others do not know is that I find it very difficult to continue as life is really so hard this times.  I have 3 kids to think about and as I think about it I am still trying to make a difference... to care about others... my country... and its people.

I wish that all could be simpler.  That all I could think of is just a few people and myself.  That I could just accept working and going home as an acceptable thing.  Being principled is also very difficult... I just hope I can just accept anything.

I am getting tired of relationships... of having to explain everything and one day I might just do it away in my life... I could love in a different level... a higher level that just the selfishness of two people in love.

Goodbye Sir Teteng Epino!

           "Inspiration comes to us slowly and quietly... prime it with a little solitude"  These were the word of Brena Ueland which for me is what Sir Teteng Epino had been to me.

          Nang una kong makita si Sir Epino sa LGMC ay hindi kami ganun kaclose.  Nagkakausap, minsan nagpapalitan ng ideas pero hanggang dun lang. Naging teacher ko sya sa mga subjects na marketing at madalas ay niloloko namin sya kasi nga namimis pronounce nya ang ilang mga words pag English na.  Asar din kami kasi sabi namin kakaibang mag grade si Sir Epino at hindi namin alam kung patas nga ba syang mag grade.  Yun ang mga una kong pananaw kay Sir.

          Pinaka hindi ko makakalimutan ay yung insidente na nangyari sa subject na "National Issues and Debate" na kung saan nasabi ni sir na "Bobo" raw ang mga Filipino so tinanong ko sya kung Filipino sya at sabi naman nya ng may pagmamalaki na oo raw.  Kaya sabi ko naman ay, "E di sir bobo rin kayo."  Tandang-tanda ko nun kung paano nagalit si sir subalit yun din ang naging simula ng mas pag-uusap namin at mas pagiging close.  Mas nakilala ko si sir at isa sya sa naging inspirasyon ko sa mga ginagawa ko ngayon.

          Malalim ang mga pananaw ni Sir Epino sa buhay.  Dedicated syang guro na kahit ang kawalan ng kuryente ay hindi makapipigil para turuan nya ang kanyang estudyante.  Marami ang naiinis sa kanya dahil dito subalit simple lang naman ang sagot kung bakit sya ganito... yun ay sapagkat gusto niyang matuto ang mga estudyante niya.

          Naalala ko ng ginawa kong Ninong ng anak kong babae na si Dara si Sir Epino at tuwang-tuwa sya ang hindi alam ni Sir ginawa ko ito sa sobrang paghanga sa kanya.  Sa totoo lang bihira ang mga gurong gaya niya.

          Sa mga naging estudyante nya na tulad ko at mga kasama sa trabaho isa lang ang masasabi ko maaaring hindi natin lubos na maunawaan ang mga pamamaraan nya pero isa lang ang sigurado ko ang puso nya ay nakalaang maglingkod at magsilbi ng tapat.

          Si Mr. Jose Ma. Epino, ay isang inspirasyon, isang dakilang guro at isang huwaran sa kanyang sariling pamamaraan.

          Paalam aking Guro... hindi kita makakalimutan sapagkat naging bahagi ka ng aking buhay.

          Salamat Sir!

The Day I Lost My Mobile Phone

Hay naku.. hanggang ngayon tuliro pa rin ako at hindi ko lubos maisip na mararanasan ko pala ang ganito.  Umaga pa lang may kutob na kasi ako na parang hindi maging ok ang araw ko pero sige lumakad pa rin ako kasi nga importante yung pupuntahan kong meeting at ako raw ang kailangang umatend.  Grabe hindi pa nga ako nag aalmusal at nagtanghaliaan noon kundi sa Cubao na lang sa Jollibee.

Well sabi nung kausap ko sa may San Miguel, Manila pala ang meeting sa Dept. of Budget and Management e akala ko sa Raffles Tower lang sa Ortigas so hindi ako masyadong pamilyar sa lugar.  Tinuruan naman nya ako ng direksyon sakay daw ng Quipo then San Miguel so sabi ko anu kaya mag MRT-Taft ako then LRT na lang para mabilis at safe din.. pero naisip ko mas ok pag jeep para siguradong andun na ako.

Uneasy na ang pakiramdam ko nun sa jeep hindi ko alam kung bakit pero parang sama ng vibes ko so ayun. Nung andun na kami sa paliko sa may Isetann sa Recto me sumakay na mama na medyo parang di ko gusto ang pagmumukha then nagbayad naman sya so sabi ko siguro hindi naman sya ganun Ginawa ko binaba ko kamay ko and then parang proteksyon dun sa bulsa ko.. gusto ko rin sana luimipat kaso parang di ko na naisip agad.

Then ayun na nga naglabas ng patalim yung mama, tinutok sa akin and then sabi nya "Cellphone lang naman.. labas mo na." So ayun wala na ako nagawa kasi naisip ko kung lalabanan ko baka kasi kung ano pa mangyari sa akin... and then ayun pagkakuha ng phone agad syang bumaba.  Ako naman tuliro sabi nga sa akin nung driver eh san daw ba ako bababa... sabi ko Quipo lampas na pala.

Pagbaba ko ng jeep grabe napaiyak talaga ako habang naglalakad ako pabalik sa LRT kasi sabi ko uuwi na lang ako.. kaya yan ang nangyari nagastusan na ako... hindi pa nakapunta sa pupuntahan ko at nanakawan pa ng phone.

Kaygandang araw talaga... pero sabi nila swerte pa rin kasi walang masamang nangyari sa akin sabagay may point naman sila dun... kaso BAD TRIP TALAGA... BAGO PA NAMAN HOUSING NUN... 

Pero sa totoo lang ang nakakainis ay wala naman akong pera pambili ng ipapalit dun eh napakahalaga pa naman ng cellphone sa akin... asar talaga!

Anyway ayun bili ako bagong sim at try hanap bagong cp pero for sure hindi naman ako magnanakaw.  E-mail nyo na lang number nyo sa akin sa phil_lenin [at] yahoo [dot] com

Hazing.. good or bad? (comments are welcome and appreciated)

What's on the news lately?

Another death had been witnessed during the past week from a hazing incident.  A death from an initiation rights that is supposed to welcome a new member to an organization which he/she wishes to serve.  But what if that initiation turned out to be your last day on this world as your so called brothers/sisters are the cause of your death?

During my high school days I was being recruited to two fraternities.  Each day they would wait for me at the gate of the campus and entice me to join them so that as they say, "I can be protected".  That time I ask myself, "Protected from what?"  Maybe because of their constant elicitation of membership I decided to join the first fraternity.  But during the initiation where I am spanked in the face I readily move out and did not return.  Why?  For I believe that nobody can insult me physically just because I want to be one with them.  Then because of this constant eliciting again I decided to join the other frat on the condition that my friend will get 75% of the paddle for me.  Well he did but I still suffered major bruises on my butt.  After that well I have new friends, new brothers and new barkada... and as they say I get the chance to do what have been done to me to neophytes.  Isn't that exciting?   

Well that is the typical fraternity that is existing in area outside the universities and in high school in the country.  Added to this is the presence of gangstas which is also a derivative of fraternities.

Reflecting on this, I wonder what's the reason behind hazing someone and inflicting so much physical damage on your future brother in a fraternity?  Why the pain and the suffering and why do these people allow it?  Because of the name, the prestige of being one with them or the boastfulness in saying I am a member of this and that.  For me those are puny and futile reasons to conduct hazing.  if someone is really welcome to a group he/she should be treated with utmost care and diligence.  He/she should feel that he/she is welcome in the group and that the members care for him.

I am not against initiation or acceptance rights for BROOD also has its own but inflicting damage like that in hazing is out of the question.  The true value of a fraternal organization should rest in what it intends to do as an organization and what it intends to contribute to the life of its members.  Is it pain and suffering, death and rumble fights or it is a greater life of meaning and service.

I am not for the abolition of fraternities and sororities but I am for the review of those frats and sororities who really adhere to hazing and perhaps make them realize that there are other and better forms of acceptance for neophytes.  I am for the strict implementation of the anti-hazing law and for the punishment of those who will go against the law.

BROOD is strictly against hazing.  We admit that we are in part a fraternal organization but we never ever want somebody wanting to be a member experience so much pain and suffering instead we want our members to realize his potential and get up close to himself and to know his strengths and weaknesses... and this is the reason for our method of acceptance.

Hazing is not an option... it does not help new members realize the importance and tenets of the organization they are joining.

Below are some links to information related to hazing and related news:

The Anti-Hazing Law (Republic Act 8049)

Police confirm UP student died from hazing

Senators want to probe UP hazing deaths

Probe hazing death, Miriam urges

Movie Trailer of Frat Daze ( Frat Daze is the FEATURE-LENGTH MOVIE about friends that possess a burning desire to pledge a glorified fraternity - based on the legendary true story!)

Stop Hazing.org (Online resource about hazing)

Reflections on Peace through the Movie Bobby

When I opened the computer earlier tonight I was wondering what to watch and then I see this downloaded movie folder named, "Bobby". Actually I do not know what movie it was then I begin to play it knowing that nothing else was available.  Then as I play it I realize that it was the life story of Robert Kennedy, the brother of John F. Kennedy and began enjoying the film.  At the near end of the film as the night makes me sleepy I witness his assassination and as the event unfolds it was backgrounded by a speech, a speech which touched me.

It was a speech which talks about peace and violence.  It talks about how violence and this world make us lesses than brothers, it talks about how we should see our differences in various ways and finally it says that if we could only find ways to be more closer to one another then we could see each other more as brothers.

Today, in a world full of violence, hatred and war... I realize that we need more people like Kennedy... more of those kind of people which dream big and bend the rules but ... it seems that people like them do not last long.

I would like to quote a message from him which I found in wikepedia and which I would like to share to everyone of us...

"Few will have the greatness to bend history; but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total of all those acts will be written the history of this generation ... It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is thus shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance."  Robert F. Kennedy, University of Cape Town, South Africa, N.U.S.A.S. "Day of Affirmation" Speech, June 6, 1966

... and still another which talks about Violence...

"What has violence ever accomplished? What has it ever created? No martyr's cause has ever been stilled by an assassin's bullet. No wrongs have ever been righted by riots and civil disorders. A sniper is only a coward, not a hero; and an uncontrolled, uncontrollable mob is only the voice of madness, not the voice of reason. Whenever any American's life is taken by another American unnecessarily - whether it is done in the name of the law or in the defiance of the law, by one man or a gang, in cold blood or in passion, in an attack of violence or in response to violence - whenever we tear at the fabric of the life which another man has painfully and clumsily woven for himself and his children, the whole nation is degraded."

It is about time that we build indeed a culture of peace... a just and sustainable peace.

Thoughts to ponder... Shen and himself

I don't know how to begin but today I totally feel empty, sad and feels like I don't deserve anything nor any person not even my kids.  I try miserably to be strong, to be happy and contented... to find ways to get things done for others... but in the end I see myself as empty and sacrificing my own happiness.

People seems to misunderstand me and my intentions.  I love them so much but whenever there are things that I do that they find not good for them or wrong for them they tell me all hurting things... left me and for some reason find me at fault.  Why would I be at fault... I am also a victim of my feelings of things which I also want for myself... of the search that for so long since my childhood I cannot seem to finish.

I thought I had found myself... I had found my happiness but at times it seems there is something missing.  Others will say that it is in God that I will find my happiness and fulfillment perhaps they are right because God gives us the security and the answer for things and events which we cannot seem to answer with our own mind and solve with our own solutions.

I must be strong for others... I must remain strong... but what about me?  What about what I want?  What about what will make me happy?  For so many years in my life I had long for it... I had long to be just me... to be simple... and to only care about simple things... but it seems destiny has other plans for me and so... I should remain strong... and that I should do or so I hope I can do.

People say that I have changed... that I am different from the prrevious David that they know.. have I?  or have they changed the way they look at me? .. or have they made me changed?  Think about it...

The Essence of Love...

We often times asked ourselves why do we love someone and why are we always hurting deep inside whenever that someone leaves us.  We asked ourselves if it is still worth it to love someone and just be hurt in the end.

Sa dinami dami nga naman ng mga pwedeng maramdaman sa mundo bakit pagibig ang parehong napakasarap at napakasakit na bagay na pwedeng maramdaman ng isang tao.  Masaya ka pag andyan ang taong mahal mo pero sa sandaling saihin nya na teka muna andyan na ang sakit na iyong mararamdaman.  Hmmm... ang gulo noh.  Pero natanong na ba natin o napag-isipan natin kung ano nga ba ang pag-ibig.

Para sa akin ang pag-ibig dati ay sinisimbulo ng dalawang taong nagmamahalan ng tapat at totoo sa bawat isa.  Ito ang pag-ibig... pero sa sandaling ito, naiba na ang pananaw ko sa pag-ibig...

Ang pag-ibig ay isang bagay na ibinibigay mo at ipinararamdam sa isang tao ng wala kang hinihintay na anumang kapalit.  Hindi mo hinihintay na ibigin ka rin nya o suklian ang anumang pagmamahal na iyong ipinakikita.

Love is something that we give freely without expecting something in return.  When we feel this then we have truly experience the power of love.

Para sa akin nararanasan ko na ito... anupaman ang mangyari patuloy kung mamahalin ang mga taong mahal ko at kailanman ay hindi ako aasa na suklian nila ang pagmamahal na ito... maging sila ay kaibigan... kasama o tunay kong minamahal sa puso.

Di na kailangang maghintay sapagkat ang ganitong pag-ibig ay hindi naghihintay subalit patuloy na nagbibigay.

Salamat sa taong nagturo sa akin na magmahal ng ganito... MARAMING SALAMAT!

Songs that Reflects Sentiments

Just wanted to share two songs which reflects sentiments of heart, life and love and I hope that most of you can relate.

TILA
Lani Misalucha

(Click Here to Play Song)

Tila inulan ang puso ko
Nang nalamig ang 'yong pagsuyo
O bakit nagbago ang 'yong pagtingin
Parang malamig na panahon

At nang ikaw ay kinausap ko
Habang ang ulan ay bumubuhos
Nakita ko sayong mga mata
Na gaganda din ang panahon

Chorus
Tila hihina rin ang ulan
Tila lilipas din ang bagyo
Kahit madilim ang kalawakan may nagtatagon
Sinag sa ulap

Tila inulan ang puso ko
Nang parang naglaho ang pagibig mo
O bakit ka kaya nagbago
Sinlamig ng panahon

Chorus
Tila hihina rin ang ulan
Tila lilipas din ang bagyo
Liliwanag din ang kalangitan
At ang araw ay sisikat nang muli

Bridge
Ang karimlan ay haharapin
Matatanaw ko rin
Bughaw na langit
Umaasang ang pagibig mo ay magbabalik
Pawiin mo ang lungkot sa puso ko
Kahit madilim ang kalawakan
May nagtatagong sinag sa ulap

Chorus
Tila hihina rin ang ulan
Tila lilipas din ang bagyo
Liliwanag din ang kalangitan
At ang araw ay sisikat nang muli

HALF CRAZY
Freestyle
from the album: Live @ 19th East

(Click here to Play Song)

Know I havent slept a week at all
Since you've been gone
And my eyes are kinda tired
From crying all night long
Know i've never been too good at cooking just for one
It's so lonely here without you darling
Come back home

'cause i'm half crazy
Feelin' sorry for myself
Half crazy
Worried you'd find someone else to love

Know life hasnt been much fun at all
Since you've been gone
And my eyes being to feel
Each time I hear a sound
I spent every minute asking myself
What went wrong
Can't we try to talk it over baby
Come back home

'cause i'm half crazy
Feelin' sorry for myself
Half crazy
Worried you'd find someone else to love
But baby there is no-one else
Half crazy
For everything you saying
Half crazy
No one else could love you like I do

(break)

'cause i'm half crazy
Feelin' sorry for myself
Half crazy
Worried you'd find someone else to love
But baby there is no-one else
Half crazy
For everything you saying
Half crazy
No one else could ever love you
No one else could ever be

Half crazy
Feeling sorry for myself
And i'm worried you'll find someone else
Feeling sorry for myself
Half crazy (faded)